Steelers Fan!

This ones for you papa!

Jaxson My little Easter Bunny!

This was Jaxsons First Easter, since I couldnt give him a basket full of candy to rot his teeth out, i decided to give him a little photo shoot! hehe

LOVE THIS LITTLE GUY!

Jaxson felt bad and wanted to apologize for flipping you all off in this picture. You caught him in a moment of weakness ;)

Betrayal, Faith, Trust, Testimony

This easter Sunday I am especially Greatful. Some will be surprised to hear that I went through quite a rough patch In my life after my divorce. I felt betrayed by answers I had received through prayers in my past marriage. I started to loose faith in prayers, and I held a grudge toward god. I found my sweet husband and we were married. The grudge continued to grow, as I found myself not praying anymore, or reading my scriptures. I ran into some anti mormon literature. My testimony plummeted. Not only did I loose my testimony of the Church, but also of God. It was a very very lonely place I found myself. I didn't believe there was not a god, but I just wasn't sure. I would pray whole heartedly  when I was alone, I would fall to my knees in prayer asking God, if he's really there, to please let him show me his love. The things I had read about the History of the church, really got to me. I kept studying, trying to find my way through. Nothing helped that way. To me, there wasn't a god with out the LDS church, I knew that I had once had such a strong confirmation on multiple occasions of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints. If that wasn't real, then I had made it up. If I had made it up, then I had made everything up in my head. Miracles, became coincidences. Faith became stupidity. I had a war going on in my head. The hardest part about it was that my heart wanted it all to be true. It wasn't like there was something I wanted an excuse for,  like drinking or something like that. The church had blessed my life, and I knew how much happier I was when I believed. But for some reason I just couldn't feel anything spiritual. Through out this time even though when I prayed I didn't get any inspiration or I couldn't feel of any answers, i was having dreams. There were about 3 really powerful dreams I can remember that I had, and I will share one with you.

In this dream It started out with Mckay and I and a few other people in a van. It was a totally normal day, we were just driving around who knows where. Suddenly we crashed, and it was like slow motion. I had died. Then suddenly I was in another place. It was really peaceful. I wasn't scared, but a little confused. The place I was at reminded me of the temple, but it wasn't as white, it was like a mixture of a church and temple. The weird thing about it was that there was glass, like windows or doors  that I could see through, and I could tell that outside was really busy streets full of people. But I couldn't hear them, and They didn't know that this place was there. There was nobody there except one lady behind a desk. She was smiling. I went to her I asked where I was, and what I was suppose to do. She said, "You are waiting to meet with somebody. Until he is ready for you, you can go into that room over there." When I entered the room it was filled with people that i didn't know, but that I did. That doesn't make much sense, but It was like they knew me and I felt like I knew them, but I couldn't really say who any of them were. This part of the dream went on for a long time. The thing I remember the most about this part was that I was SOOOO HAPPY! like extremely happy, and I didn't even think about what had just happened to me (car crash). We talked for a long time about everything and anything. Then suddenly I remembered what I was suppose to do. Meet with Somebody. As soon as a I remembered, I woke up! (At least I thought I did. I was still dreaming but in my dream I woke up. ) I was laying on stairs, and I realized It had all been a dream! I had fallen asleep! The first thing I remember thinking was, oh crap! Mckay is going to kill me, I had like 13 missed calls! I hurried and called him and life went on in my dream. This dream was really really long, and a ton of the dream was just me living a normal day to day life. But then I remember looking at a card, and on the back of it, it said REMEMBER. Suddenly in the dream I got the chills. I knew that I needed to remember the importance of the dream I had before. I needed to remember that it mattered what I did in my day to day life, and remember that there is something after this life. And that GOD is REAL. I felt an incredible spiritual feeling in the dream for that one moment, and then life went on. I would forget again. Then a few more times I had that same type of experience. Where something would really make me REMEMBER. and then I would forget again.  Then I woke up. (but again I thought I had woken up, but I really was still asleep) this is where it really gets weird. This time in my dream I was laying in bed. Mckay was laying next to me. It was still night time and very dark. I looked over on my side of the bed on the ground. There was something/someone there. Pure evil, and fear I felt through my whole body. I don't know if anyone has felt that before in dreams, but It is sooo real. It was more than feeling just scared, its like you feel a really evil POWERFUL beings presence. All I could really make out was its eyes. They were red. I yelled, and woke up mckay, he saw it too. Then the creature lit a torch. He spoke. He said someone wanted to talk with us. He told us to follow him. We knew we didn't have a choice. He opened our bedroom door and we saw that in our living room there were a lot of evil creatures. They were in two lines holding their own torches, at the end of the lines their stood a man. I knew this man was Satan. The weird part was that he didn't look any more different than a normal man.  He didnt have spikes on his head or anything like that. He spoke. I cant remember what he said, but I remember he was trying to convince me of something. He wanted me to do something. He was very convincing, and I felt scared. But then I REMEMBERED.  I remembered the strength I had in the dream before. I took a step toward the man, feeling a spiritual strength inside. He took a step back. In the dream I remember thinking, oh my gosh, he's actually scared of me! I told him NO. I felt sooo strong. THEN... I REALLY woke up. haha This time It was real. I layed there for a few minutes, in awe of the crazy/amazing dream I had just had. I woke up Mckay and told him the whole thing.

I dont know how much that dream would mean to someone else. But for me, someone who couldn't feel anything spiritual, it meant a lot! I pulled a lot of symbolism out of that dream.  I continued on my quest to feel something during my normal life, not in dreams. I would still pray to feel something, and nothing. 2 other occasions I had other dreams where I could feel an incredible spiritual feeling. But still nothing in my conscious state. 

I guess I need to tell you how I used to receive answers. Ever since I was young, I believed that I could receive direct revelation through the scriptures. Not just by studying them, but by actually opening them completely randomly a few different times. And by having enough faith, god would answer my questions, or talk to me through verses. I felt very strongly about these answers. The most important questions in my life, I got my answers this way. I asked about marrying my X husband this way, and continued to get answers during that marriage. When we divorced, I felt betrayed by those answers. I stopped having faith in this way of answers. I never opened up the scriptures to receive answers after that. Until one morning that i woke up from another spiritual dream. I immediate got on my knees, and asked the question that I had been asking over over and over again for the past year. God are you real? Is the LDS church your church? I got an over welming feeling that I needed to open the scriptures. I finally gave in, and grabbed my Quad Scriptures (Bible, book of mormon, D&C, & Pearl of Great Price). I randomly opened up the scriptures and my eyes fell to these verses:

D&C 6:22

22 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might ^aknow concerning the truth of these things.

 23 Did I not speak ^apeace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater ^bwitness can you have than from God?

 24 And now, behold, you have received a ^awitness; for if I have^btold you things which no man knoweth have you not received a witness?

My heart leaped. I immediately felt foolish. This was God telling me, you silly girl. You ALREADY know the answer. I started crying in joy. I put all my questions I had about the church on the back burner. I just started doing everything the church had taught me to do. Started paying a full tithe again, reading and praying every night. The questions about the church were still in the back of my head, but I didn't address them. Slowly through out the past year, a lot of those questions have been answered in my head. Not all of them, but I have faith that someday throughout time I will get my other answers. The most important thing I know now is that God is real, and that He wants me to be apart of the LDS church. He loves me, and he loves every one of us. Even when you feel like he's not there, he is. He is just waiting for you to REALLY come him. For me apparently I had to give him ALL my trust. not just part of it. Once I gave in, even to the getting the answers the way I had before, when I felt betrayed by them. The funny thing is now that I feel the spirit in abundance in my life, I can see his hand in the answers that I recieved. I know that everyone has their free agency, and that maybe that was a Trial I needed in my life.  I LOVE my heavenly Father, and my Savior.  This easter Sunday I want to thank him for the gift of atonement in my life. I know I could never truly grow with out it. I know that there is still so much for me to learn and grow with. I know I will continue to have trials of faith. I hope to never again loose Faith in my Savior. I know he is there for me, and he is there for everybody who lets him hold them in their times of need also.

Happy Easter Sunday, let us all remember our Saviors Sacrifice, and not take it for granted in our lives. 

The Magic DUO

Okay I have to write a quick post dedicated to this little duo. I always knew Mckay would be a good daddy, because he was such an amazing husband. But I have still been blown away. Mckay is SO loving, and so helpful. He is always willing to help with diaper changes, even if its the middle of the night. He works so hard all day long, and he comes home and is always doing even more. They have so much fun together, and I love witnessing their bond become stronger and stronger. I am starting to tear up as I write this. I can just see them together 5 years from now... 10... Graduation high school. Mckay will always be his best friend. He is the most thoughtful, sweetest man I have ever met. Our little Jaxson has no idea how lucky he is to have such a special Dad who will love and support him all his life. I love them both SO MUCH! I am so greatful this easter for these two spirits in my life. :) I am so blessed!

Catching up!

Alright so , with the new babes, and work getting super busy, I have been swamped and havent had a chance to catch up with blogging. Here are is a quick overview of life lately through my iphone camera :)

We went to visit daddy for the first time at work! He was asleep the whole time so I dont think he will remember much :)

 His cry face gets me every time, so sad!

this was the first time he discovered toys! He loved it! We were at grandma Johnsons and he was just happy as a clam as he hit his little toy!

I love Mckays Sorry flowers :) works every time!

haha Jaxson Fell asleep on mommys lap while she worked!

This is the first time I realized how remarkable Jaxsons Eye lashes are! Oh what I would give to have those eye lashes!

This is Jaxsons scowl face, haha he got it from me!

This is how I get work done!

Here is my beautiful assistant, we had the chance to shoot a wedding with horses, they even let us ride one to the spot! was alot of fun!

Jaxsons first hat! Haha it was a little big for him, but I couldnt resist!

Showing "Aunt Lisa" how much we love her and miss her, wish she could come visit us sometime soon!! (hint hint)

 Jaxson LOVES his toys!

mommy loves jaxsons new pants from H & M haha

heres our new rocking chair, we found it at a garage sale for $20, works great! He loves to start his nap time process with a nice rock!

Here is a document of Jaxsons first LAUGH! oh my gosh when this kid laughed for the first time, my heart JUMPED! Seriously I was in heaven! SOO cute!

pretty sure this video wont work, cuz they never do on here, but this was a video of jaxsons first hair cut!

Here is our second rocking chair/recliner we bought for our tv room, this one was awesome quality and I got it for $30!

 This was jaxsons first pool day, even though the water was too cold for him to experience, we still had fun laying out!

Jaxsons first toothless bite! he loved it! I was really suprised, he ate the whole bowl! I guess hes going to get the Rowley Genes! 

Okay i have to put this picture up, this is Tres Leches from Costa Vida, It is my FAVORITE! I always make them put a ton of whipped cream on it, and this time they REALLY DID!

Jaxsons first time in the JUMPY, he loved it right off the bat, his legs are going to get so strong!

You always wonder how your expectations to motherhood will live up. I have to say I had pretty high expectations. Anyone who has followed my blog for the past 5 years knows how badly I wanted to be a mommy, and the trials I went through to finally get here. I'll have to admit I did have a bit of pretty bad baby blues the first 6 weeks, but since then I have LOVED LOVED LOVED being a mommy to this sweet sweet little spirit. My heart melts every time he smiles, or coos. I love watching him grow. I love feeling his soft little hair on my lips when I kiss his head. I love taking baths with him, he loves the water. He loves watching the doggies, and Im so excited for him to be big enough to really play with them. I love his sneezes and his toots! haha This guy can really let them rip! I love every fat wrinkle on his chubby little body. I esspecially love his chubby feet! When he looks at me with those big blue eyes, i swear I will have a hard time saying no to him! I love him more than anything!

Its so nice to have a little person to practice my photography on! :)

 The doggies were nice enough to pose for me too!

Mini Golf Pro!